My Key To Live
by jaybue
Summary: What is life like when you have to remember the worst part of it everyday? How do you cope, when the person you should cherish the most is the cause of your worst nightmares? AH, E/B, M for adult themes, past situations and HEA eventually.
1. Chapter 1 General Hospital Port Angeles

My Key To Live

Summary:

What is life like when you have to remember the worst part of your life, everyday? How do you cope, when the person you should cherish the most, is the cause of your worst nightmares? "Mommy, do you love me?" AH, E/B, M for adult themes, past situations and a HEA. No rape/cuttings, I promise!

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Chapter 1: General Hospital Port Angeles

**Bella**

"Anthony, clean up your room right now!"

_I'm so sick of this!_

"M-Mo-Mommy…"

"What?" I look at Anthony who is trying to reach up to me from the floor to be held.

"I'm thirsty." he whispers as tears are rolling down his face.

"Well, too bad. Firstly, you're old enough to get your own drink. And secondly, I told you, when you finish cleaning up your room, we can finally have dinner. It's all your fault, Anthony. It is your fault."

Anthony picks up a truck next to his feet and tries to put it into the box where a few of his toys are in.

He has a hard time getting up and once he puts it into the box he looks at me again with tear filled and questioning eyes.

"Ugh, don't look at me like that." I say and leave the room to go into the kitchen and finish dinner.

It's Mac and Cheese and the only thing I can cook properly.

Almost 20 minutes later I go back to the room, fully prepared to tell him to clean up the room, _again_. But when I reach the door, Anthony's body lies next to the box with the toys and he is shaking. I rush to him and pull him into my arms. He's hot and sweaty; and shudders against me as I try to wake him up.

"Tony wake up, wake up little boy. What's wrong?" I say while shaking his shoulder. He opens his eyes and looks around.

"I'm sorry Mommy. I don't feel…" he whispers and tears start falling again from his eyes. His eyes close and he sacks against me.

I start to get scared. He **is** really hot and sweaty in my arms.

_Shit! He has a fever_.

I look at the clock and it's almost half past nine.

The Hospital it is then.

I walk out of the room, while I try to keep Anthony awake and on my hip. I grab my bag from the counter and head outside of the apartment to the parking lot. Once I reach the exit I rummage through my purse to get my car keys. It's cold and clammy from the rain and I notice that Anthony is still in his jammies, barefoot. I put him in the seat next to me and start the car. It roars like the 40 year old diesel machine it is as I drive out of the parking lot.

The hospital is about 15 minutes away but the trip feels twice as long. Ever so often I take a look at Tony but he is still past out cold.

The hospital lights shine onto the parking lot and I see it's almost empty only the reserved parking spaces seem occupied.

Hastily I take Tony back into my arms. I walk towards the entrance and exhale relieved because the ER is empty. On my left side I see the reception with a bored middle aged lady behind it.

"How can I help you, dear?" she asks me as I try a smile.

"I think my son has fever. He's shivering and feels hot. Do you think a doctor can take a look at him?"

"Please fill out this form and then I will let Dr. Cullen know. But it might take a minute or two, just wait over there and I will call you soon." she ensures me and I grab the sheet of paper and take a seat. Anthony wakes in my arms and I put him on the seat next to me.

"Where are we, mommy?" he speaks quietly.

"At the hospital." I tell him while I answer all the questions on the paper.

"We're going to see a doctor because you're sick."

"I'm sorry, Mommy" he whispers sadly. That's when I look up at him in the eye.

"Don't apologize. You can't change that you got sick. It's ok, Tony." I try to tell him soothingly as his face lights up.

Just then the door opens and a man in white walks to the nurse station. She hands him a paper that he looks at just one second until he looks quickly over to where we sit. He then takes a first step into our direction and a small, tired smile on his face.

"You must be Anthony." He says in a very calm, friendly voice and then looks at me. "Miss Swan, would you like to follow me so we can see what's wrong with your little boy?"

I nod and take Tony's hand in mine and we walk slowly to the exam room. Dr. Cullen takes a seat behind the desk and I give him my filled-out form. I put Anthony on the exam table and take the seat next to him.

Dr. Cullen looks up and the smile is on his face again. "I'm sorry Ms. Swan I didn't introduced myself. I'm Dr. Cullen and I'm the head physician of Port Angeles Hospital. Why don't you tell me why you're here?"

"Well," I start "Anthony apparently has a fever this evening. At least, that's when I noticed it, I mean." I stutter further and then exhale to calm myself "He was very teary eyed the last two days, but I just noticed that he was sweaty and hot an hour ago." I end and look towards Anthony who sits hunched over on the exam table with his hands in his lap, shivering.

**Carlisle**

I sit behind my desk listening to Ms. Swan tell me about Anthony's symptoms. She seems uncertain and almost afraid to talk. She's fidgety. Anthony looks pale and has fever induced shivers ever so often. He's in his pajamas, without shoes or even socks, I notice. I become wary and possibilities run through my mind.

I grab the stethoscope from around my neck and make my way over to Anthony who looks utterly exhausted up close. I sit next to him and ask him in my calmest and most assuring voice. "Anthony, I would like to take a look at you so I can find out why you feel so sick. Is that alright?" Anthony looks up to me but then turns towards his mother, she nods and he nods shyly back to me. I put my hands under his turtle themed shirt and try to listen to his lungs and if I can hear any rasping sounds. With a negative diagnosis I take a look into his mouth and ask him to say "Ahhh". His tongue is coated. After I feel his forehead and see that he has indeed raised temperature I look at Anthony again and smile "Anthony, I think you've caught the typical Autumn cold. You need some medications and after a few days you will be as good as new. How does that sound?" He nods shyly at me again and I take a look at Ms. Swan.

"Ms. Swan I think you son has a light fever, which is nothing to be concerned about. However, I would like to keep an eye on him during the night. He needs some more fluids because of his raised temperature and I would like to monitor his condition during the next 12 hours just make sure it is just a cold." I still look at her and wait until she raises her gaze and looks briefly into my eyes. "Is it alright with you, if we keep Anthony here during the night?" I continue, unsure what she will say.

"Yeah, that's ok by me." She nods and starts to leave the room quickly. Anthony cries out and holds out his arms out towards his mother. It's a heartbreaking moving and I notice my body turning towards Anthony in an attempt to soothe him.

Ms. Swan turns around but doesn't move closer to him. "Anthony you heard the doctor. You have to stay here tonight. I will come back tomorrow. Please be nice to the doctors and behave. Okay?" She says it in a clear, emotionless voice but something is wrong with her face. It shows something between relief and… despair? Deep, utter despair.

Before I can catch my surprised breath she is out of the door and I just hear it slide closed. Anthony stops crying but his tears are still falling as he trembles. His eyes drop again and he uses his sleeve to wipe his nose and leaves it stained with snot.

I gasp in shock at the situation that just played out before my eyes and utter "What happened to you to be so heartless?"

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**Puh, so first chapter is done *yay me***

**How did you like Bella? Not your typical stumbling heroine, isn't she?**

**Guess who is going to be Anthony's pediatrician?**

**Remember this is my first attempt at writing, so leave me some feedback, I really need it!**


	2. Chapter 2 When I met Anthony

**SM owns, no copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Chapter 2: When I met Anthony**

She is looking me in the eyes and smirks. Fuck!

I feel the anticipation of what is coming next and prepare myself by twisting my hands in the sheets next to me.

She first kisses the tip but then wraps her mouth around me and sucks lightly. She knows exactly what I want and moves her tongue while taking me in her mouth until I hit her throat.

I feel myself moving under her and start thrusting my hips in response to her oh so sweet rhythm.

My stomach starts clenching and my thighs are feeling the end of her hair moving in tickling up and down movements, sometimes even brushing between my thighs.

It feels heavenly and is so sensual that I don't want it to end.

"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie wo-orld" starts to ring in the background and the voice is so high pitched that I cringe. I wonder where it comes from…

But then she brings me back by using her teeth in an upward movement and I certainly don't care anymore.

"Life in plastic, it's fantastic" it continues and I feel myself recognizing it from somewhere. At the same time I feel myself twitching and I let out a low groan because I know what's next. Yes, that's going to be good!

But as I have the thought of remembering it from somewhere I suddenly know where it's from and open my eyes. Uh, first mistake of the day!

The light shines into my bedroom and my hand stops the stroking movements but it's already too late because my climax was stopped at the beginning. The mere mess on my hands is proof of that.

I turn my head and reach with my left for my phone. Huh?

"Rosalie, this better be good."

"Hey, did I catch you whacking off or what?"

"Emmett, what the fuck?" I say and see it's 6:25 am. I would have had 5 more minutes with Penelope. Well ,yes you did interrupt.

"Why are you calling me from Rose's phone anyway?"

"I can't find mine. But that's not the point. Can you drop me off at the hospital when you start your shift later?"

"Do I have a choice?" I try to get me out of this while falling back on my pillow and wondering what happened in the last 10 seconds to get me all riled up already. Nothing is a better guarantee to have a shitty day than having to talk to your brother while trying to wipe your hand on your boxers and not mourning the perfect start to a day one could ever have.

"I'm living down the street, so no, you don't have a choice. I would be standing on the street waiting for you, anyway, little brother." So much for saying please, I think to myself but then hear myself utter "Be there in an hour. You bring the coffee, okay?"

"Aye, aye Captain Morning Wood" he snickers and hangs up before I can respond.

"Ugh, Emmett" I mutter. Hating my nickname from when I was 13 and sharing a room with him.

With that I start another rainy day in Port Angeles. Showering, brushing my teeth, getting into my scrubs and inhaling the first cup of coffee before I even try to look for my car keys.

The drive with Emmett is the same as always. Loud, both with the music and his singing, and entirely too long for him to not get on my nerves at the beginning of a 12 hour shift.

General Hospital Port Angeles was my second home for a little more than three years. Since I came back from Uni. Highly motivated to please my father, I started working with him in the same hospital, same as Emmett who is working as an EMT here.

I specialized myself on pediatrics because it always seem to fit me. I am good with kids, it is something that comes natural to me and I like seeing the happy faces even in the worst situations. There is nothing more rewarding than a picture from a 6 year old with you in a lab coat and scrubs holding her hand, as a thank you.

As I came to my unit I was greeted by bees, butterflies, turtles, giraffes, lions and elephants all adorning the walls. It looked happy, nothing like a hospital and of course nothing you need to be scared off, and that was the exact purpose.

The nurse at the nurse station handed me the patient lists and I saw that on top was a new case.

Opening it, it was clear from the writing that my father was his doctor last night and I read that he had the symptoms of a typical cold. He took blood and got him some cups of warm soup during the night.

But the note at the bottom made me furrow my brows:

"Edward, please check the blood work, when it's back from the lab for symptoms of malnourishment or other child ailments, thanks Carlisle"

The blood work wasn't back this early in the morning but I guess it would be before noon.

Intrigued why my Dad would write down such a note extra for me to notice I began my walk down the floor to the room of- I checked the name- Anthony Swan.

As I opened the door I was greeted with a small boy, maybe around 5 years, who looked at me with eager and typical children's eyes. His eyes where an unusual light brown, almost honey color that fit perfectly with his brown hair.

"Good morning Anthony, how are you feeling today?"

"Fine." He said in a light voice.

"That's good to hear. I'm your doctor and do you want to know a secret?"

He still holds my gaze and looks questioningly at me.

"My name is Anthony as well, but everyone calls me Dr. Edward. So you see we already have something in common." I told him.

He smiles at me but then starts coughing a little.

"Do you still feel hot? Like last night?" I ask without looking up from his file. He answers with a headshake that I see from my peripheral vision. "Did you like the soup the other doctor got you?" this time I looked up to see him smile sheepishly and then nod eagerly.

"Yes, it was chicken soup. It felt warm in my tummy and helped me fall asleep. I like soup more than the noodles and PB&J sandwiches mommy makes me for dinner. Can I have soup again today?"

I laughed at his excited rambling and told him that I see what I can do. Apparently his mother wasn't a good cook but I didn't know for sure, of course.

"Where is your mom anyway, Anthony? Is she out to get you some breakfast?" I asked him while looking around the room and noticing that it seems as though nobody was here over the night to stay with him.

Anthony's eyes become large and he looked at me and says "She said she was coming back." "When did she say that?" I ask again, concerned why he seemed to be so upset all of a sudden.

"Last night" was his whispered answer and I saw some sort of pajamas lying on the seat next to his bed while he was lying in bed in a cut off hospital gown.

I swallow the shock I feel by his words but then catching myself and telling him reassuringly "She will pick you up later buddy. So I guess I will see if I can get you some breakfast and do you want some toys to play with?" I ask as I tuck my pen back in my pocket and make myself on the way to go out of the room. "What do you like to play with?" I check and he says "Trucks?" sheepishly and I smile again. "Trucks it is, then."

After that, time seems to run out on me. I just manage to get Anthony his breakfast and tell the nurses to give him some trucks and other toys to play with while he is waiting to get picked up by his mother.

When I look at my watch the next time it is already after 2 pm.

Anthony's blood work just came back and it looks alright. He had a light acalcinosis, as can be expected when having a cold. But I still thanked my father for thinking about it.

I make my way back to his room prepared to tell them both that they can go home now, when I see a young woman skidding through the door. She looks exhausted with red eyes and is wearing the uniform of the only supermarket in Forks, which is 30 minutes away. On the second look I notice she has the same hair color as Anthony and I recognize the similarities in their faces as well. I stay put and wait until she reaches me and ask her "Ms. Swan, I presume?"

"Y-yes that's me. I'm sorry I'm late." She exhales and stops in front of me.

"Ms. Swan, this is a hospital, not a babysitting service." I state harshly. She then meets my gaze for the first time and I'm lost in the eyes that could be so beautiful but are full of exhaustion and uncertainty. She swallows and starts fidgeting with the strap of her bag. "I know I'm sorry."

I nod at that, accepting her apology because I don't know what else to do. "Anthony is fine again. He asked for you a lot this morning." I state and let the message sink in. "His calcium and iron levels are a little bit too low, so you might want to give some extra vegetables and vitamins the next days, to get him back on track. Other than that he can stay home until the cold is gone. Please let him rest more than usual, the fever last night weakened him a little bit. But as it looks now he is good to go." I finish my sentence and she still looks at me but seems distracted "How long does he need to stay home?" is the only thing she asks and I say "The whole week would be good. I guess he goes to pre-school and I think that's a little bit too much activity for him right now. He goes to pre-school, doesn't he?" I add the question because she looks confused. She shakes her head at my question and then stammers quietly "He stays with my neighbor when I'm working but she is old and can't take him the whole week. I'll lose my job when I have to stay home now."

I see the desperation leak from her every pore. She seems totally over her head with this situation and I feel for the young mother who has not enough money to spare to stay home with her son until he gets better. I try to come up with something that might help and then remember "You know, I know this day care here in Port Angeles. My mother works there. They also take on older kids and teach them a little bit of the preschool material. If you want, I can give you her number and you can work something out until Anthony feels better." I can see that she starts to say no and interrupt her by holding my hand out to her "Look, I bet if she sees your situation, you two can come up with something that doesn't include money as payment. Anthony really should stay at home or be supervised professionally the next couple of days." I say as I start to write down the number of my mom's day care. I know she will see Ms. Swan as fragile and desperate as I see her right now and can't help herself other than to want to help out as well. I hand her the sheet of paper and smile reassuringly.

She holds the piece of paper in her hand and seems deep in thought. I hear a whispered okay from her and then she turns around and goes to one of the doors, stops and looks at me questioningly. I catch on to her thought and point with my chin to the door next to her "He is in there." I tell her. Shake my head and laugh quietly when she shakes her head as well and mutters something to herself.

I watch her walking into Anthony's room and stay still, thinking why she has a child when she seems not a day older than 22. I can't imagine the responsibility and problems she has to manage on a daily basis.

With my 28 years and the knowledge that I have because of my work in the pediatrics I know what she must be dealing with on some level.

I try to imagine myself with a child and maybe a past girlfriend but nobody springs to my mind. I wish I would have someone to come home to. To see my child grow and learn more each and every day, to share my values of family comes before the career, to show someone what I'm capable of other than being a physician. I just want to find a woman who is not concerned getting pregnant before 30, missing out on parties and drinking. When I see all the young families walking in and out of the hospital, I sometimes ask myself what they do differently. Is there someone who shares my hopes and wishes? Someone who fits to me? Someone I can be happy with?

I'm still pondering on that last thought when the door opens and Ms. Swan steps out after Anthony. He has on different clothes than the ones I saw in his room this morning. My gaze lock with his mother and I can just imagine how intense my eyes must look like right now. She looks at me in something close to wonder, her exhaustion still recognizable. She takes a step forward and I see the first small, but genuine smile on her face. Anthony stops with her in front of me and she says "Thank you for caring about Tony. I'm Bella." I'm holding her gaze and watch her mouth form the words. She looks really beautiful when she doesn't feel intimidated. I feel badly for lashing out at her because her smile is still so uncertain.

I'm still looking at her, equally shocked when I feel myself calming as our hands touch in a handshake. Anthony interrupts the moment by saying "Can you be my friend, Dr. Edward?" I look down at him, offer my best smile and say "We are already friends, remember? I shared a secret with you, so you are my friend, little Anthony. Just make sure you keep it to yourself." I wink at that and he looks at me with a mega-watt smile I haven't seen on him the whole day.

Bella starts walking with him, both of them holding hands but keeping a little bit too much of a distance in between for being mother and son.

Bella, I think. Bella and Anthony. It feels good to think those names in my head but I can't ponder why that is.

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So, second chapter in EPOV. What did you think? I hope Bella can grow on you. I know she has a long way ahead to be likeable, but that's the plan.

Just so there is no confusion, his full name is Dr. Anthony Edward Cullen. Edward just sticked with him J

A/N: I've never been to an American hospital, so you see this is how a pediatric unit looks like in Germany- very colorful. If there are any other differences, like the way preschool and such works, please let me know, because I don't know anything about it!

Thanks to those who put me on alert and took their time to review, I never thought I would get an audience that quick into the story. No pressure!

JB


	3. Chapter 3 New Resolve

SM owns. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks for alerting and reviewing. You make me motivated enough to write this on a Friday eve.

I actually figured out where I want this story to go, so from now on Bella's back-story and past are fixed and I know how and with whom she will work this out and to get better.

The first snippet of her past comes with this chapter. Happy reading!

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Chapter 3: New Resolve

Bella

I stand with my back against the closed door and take a long exhaling breath. But it doesn't calm me like I had hoped it would. Anthony is still in the room with Dr. Cullen and I can hear him sniffling.

I can't even stand myself right now.

What kind of mother does that?

This feels so déjà-vu, like it all happened already before. I can see myself sitting in a room, waiting or crying and feeling helpless. Where I know nobody and long for the only person who is supposed to be helping me, caring for me, treating me like a scared child and promising me there will come better times when the sun raises in the morning. But that's where it doesn't fit. The latter part never happened.

It's not a déjà-vu.

It's all my doing.

I'm so very close to behave like the one person I promised myself to never become.

I feel myself breaking into two. I start running out of the hospital, along the reception with a weary eyed looking nurse sitting behind the counter. I don't falter when I take the first step into the chilly night air. Once in my car there is no minute to spare. I know I don't have much time before everything will be fading to black. Trying to calm down before I don't even make it safely back home, I drive the 15 minutes drive home in 12 minutes and fumble desperately with my purse.

Where are the keys? Oh please, I just need to get back into the apartment. I won't break down in front of my entrance for everyone to hear.

Gripping onto something metallic I pull out the keys and make a quick entrance, shut the door tightly with shaking hands and tumble into bed.

"Did you clean up the rooms, Isabella?" I hear her say.

Oh please no, not tonight, this can't be happening.

I start to shiver and try desperately to prevent myself from remembering it all over again.

"When the rooms aren't clean up, how can we have dinner, Isabella? You know how it goes. You have to remember, Isabella. Always remember: First the chores and then-" it suddenly stops, because I feel myself getting dizzy and white spots appear in front of my eyes. Instinctively I suck in a huge amount of air and feel that I was just short of passing out from lack of oxygen. Well, whatever works. I think dryly and then fall into a deep sleep, exhaustion and continuing insomnia taking me under and releasing me at the same time.

-o0o-

Flashback

It's hot and dry on my way back from school. I walk along the short way.

My brothers aren't home yet. They never come home before dinner. They don't have to.

As I pass the last house before ours I notice the beautiful front yard, like every time I pass by Ms. Cope's house. I see her sitting in the kitchen and walk by more slowly. She looks up and waves at me to come in. I think about what I have to do in the house and quickly decide that I have about an hour before I need to start getting things ready for the boys and mom.

The front door is always open for me and so I find myself sitting opposite of her.

My stomach churns and I blush because we both know exactly why that is.

"Oh, poor dear. Let me fix something for you." She says and I try not to feel embarrassed for eating half of the time I'm sitting here with her.

She offers me an ice tea first and then starts to make a ham and cheese sandwich for me.

Once I'm almost done inhaling it, she asks me how my day was.

I do not want to go there yet so I fumble with my shirt sleeve with my right hand and almost reveal the ugly bruise that's on my wrist. She stops me by putting her hand on mine and notices the bruise.

Ms. Cope, the ever loving old lady, just smiles sadly at me, it is very comforting I feel myself giving in and tell her what happened last night and this morning.

After what I told her she still looks at me, it's warm, inviting and comforting all the same but it doesn't take away the helplessness I have to bear and the reality I have to return to in 20 minutes.

Something in her gaze shifts and she asks "Your mom still wasn't home yesterday, right?" I nod and become uncomfortable under her fiery gaze. She abruptly stands up, so much that the seat topples over behind her. She doesn't notice or doesn't care, I don't know, but she turns towards the kitchen counter, takes a small stool, steps onto it so that she can reach the very last porcelain bowl that is stored in the back of the cupboard. I've never seen it before but when she opens it, there is a lot of money.

My brows furrow and just then I notice that she is speaking to me. "…can't let that happen anymore. You understand, Bella? You take the money and take the next bus to… I don't know, somewhere, but not close. You go to the local youth welfare office and tell them everything, okay? You give them my name if they don't believe you, then they should call me or you just show them the bruises. Are there more, than the one on your wrist?" she looks up from counting the money. I have never seen so much money in my life at once and I'm perplexed. It takes me a second to realize what question she asked me, I lower my head while nodding and biting my lip out of shame. Ms. Cope tsked with her tongue and stops counting now. "There is nothing to be ashamed of, Bella. It's not your fault, goddamn it!"

I stare in shock and disbelieve at her, because she never uttered a single curse word before and disbelief because it is my fault. Wasn't it? James and Laurent tell me so all the time, even Jacob. Never Jasper though, although I can see it in his eyes that he thinks it anyway and I definitely felt it when he did give my diary to Laurent. I thought he was different; we always had some sort of connection. Maybe it was because we were so close in age but I'd like to believe it was because he was not like them. But he is, I tell myself. He wouldn't have done that otherwise.

"I feel so alone" I hear Laurent mock me in a fake whiny voice and he rubs his eyes to wish away the nonexistent tears. "You're such a loser, Bella. Who cares if you do anyway, it's not like somebody ever wants to read the shit you're writing in that stupid ass book. It's because of you that we have to life in this hellhole in the first place, so don't start complaining, you loser!" He states and then laughs again hysterically.

Jasper stands in the background looking at me but not reacting in any way. I will him to help me out, to explain to me why he did that. How could he, anyway?

I feel myself cringe at the memory from two nights ago. I haven't seen Jasper since and it's been more difficult to stand the lonely nights at home than ever before.

This brings me back to Ms. Cope and I see myself nod although I certainly do not agree with her.

"Do you believe me, Bella? Do you think you can take the money and go to another place, so you don't have to live like this anymore? Please Bella; I can't stand to see you so helpless all the time."

I see the emotions running along her face while she speaks. She is fiercely determined and seems hopeful, for what? Me? Or getting rid of me? No, she isn't like that, she cares about me, she is the only person I would like to call family but will never be able to. I look back at the money she has in her hand. It's a variation of 20's and 50's, probably about $400. I begin to actually think of this easy way out. Can I just run away? Leave everything behind? Go to youth welfare and what then? They won't believe me. What should I tell them anyway? That I don't feel at home and loved; that my brothers play pranks at me; that I have to do all the chores? It sounds stupid and nobody would understand how I feel. Even given the case they believe me, what are they able to do? I'm too old to go into foster care and I will definitely not stay in an orphanage. More teenage boys who don't know what to with their time? I shudder at that thought.

No, I have to be on my own. I would really have to run away, be homeless and have to take care of myself. Could I do this? I'm 15 for god's sake. Where would I go? North, east, west, definitely somewhere very far away. How long could I live with her money, because I didn't have any myself?

I didn't know.

I couldn't answer any of my questions, but what I did know, was that I don't want to live like this anymore. Now that the seed of a possible break out of this life was in my head I couldn't stop thinking about it. But I knew I couldn't crush Ms. Cope's hopes in me. She would never know that I planned to be on my own. So for probably very first time in my life, I have to lie to someone to protect him.

Happiness surged through me because that was a first. Not the lying, god no, but the wanting to protect someone who obviously cared enough for me.

With that new found determination I stopped my inner ramblings and looked up to Ms. Cope.

I squeaked out an "okay" and noticed that my throat closed and tears were starting to fall from my eyes. This had to be the nicest thing anybody ever did for me.

The next minutes were a fuzzy ball of excitement. I remember putting a small backpack together, running back to Ms. Cope's house where she gave me more sandwiches and a water bottle.

She put the money in a very old, worn but pretty looking purse and gave it to me.

"So you'll never be alone, my child" she told me, with watery eyes and pushed me out of the door to go.

"Please" she whispered quietly but fiercely "Please go, nobody will know where you are. I promise! Just go, while there is still time."

I ran to the bus stop, never looking back but I could feel her piercing gaze watch me. Out of protection or meant as a goodbye, I will never know.

-o0o-

I wake up the next morning not feeling any better than the night before. I remember the dream I've had and smile timidly. At least I didn't dream about that night in my bed again, I wouldn't be able to stand remembering it.

With the reminder of Ms. Cope and all her hopes for me to break out of my dreadful life, I make myself ready to go to work, so that I would be able to pick up Anthony from the hospital on time.

My work as a stock controller at the Forks supermarket was tedious at best but the only thing I could come up with that guaranteed me being home with Anthony as much as possible. But I felt that it wasn't enough, not enough time with Tony and certainly not enough money to pay for everything once he goes to school.

I knew I had money to spend, I could have a lazy couple of years and maybe just work half time, but that would be like stealing from Anthony. It was his money, Charlie would have wanted it to be his, and I certainly wanted him to have the money, so he could be free, really free in his decision makings.

So that's why I spend my day ticking off items from the inventory list all day long and then telling my boss, Mr. Banner, what to order for the next days. Tedious, I know.

But this time Mr. Banner didn't dismiss me right away.

"How is Anthony doing, Ms. Swan?"

"Fine, I guess. He is in the hospital because he had a fever last night. I'm going to pick him up after my shift."

"So you probably would like to take some time off?"

"Uh, I don't know, I haven't talked to the doctors, yet." I answer and become wary. He was never interested in my personal life before.

"Well, I'm glad to make this decision for you then, Ms. Swan. I think it would be best to cut off your time here, so you only have to work half time. Think of it as if you would take your vacation days during a long period of time. "

"Um, actually, Mr. Banner, I wouldn't -"

"That's okay; I think you would like to spend some time with your boy, wouldn't you?"

"Well-" I try to speak up again, but aren't quick enough.

"Well anyway, Ms. Swan, economic shortage forces me to cut back a little bit. I'm sure you can do your work in half the time. You're a very good worker."

I'm baffled. Working half time meant I get half of the money, which means I have to get another job to balance out the money differences. Vacation my ass, Mr. Banner.

I feel the heat rising into my face, but I'm not blushing, I'm furious.

"That would be all, Ms. Swan, see you in two days. Don't be late." he adds with a sarcastic smile.

I give him a short nod and storm out of the office. I'm already 20 minutes late and it will take me almost an hour to get to the hospital in this rain.

I rush into the pediatrics almost 2 hours later and see green eyes looking at me. Everything stops. I'm trapped in his fiery stare. It's like he can see right through me, can see me.

It's new and exciting and I don't know what to do. And when I don't know what to do, I'll go back to being 15 all over again- shy, ordinary, nonexistent.

As I was walking out of the hospital with Tony next to me I feel my resolve strengthen. My resolve to be better for him, provide him with the knowledge a young boy needs to grow up properly. I don't mean cleaning up the room every night, but giving him everything he needs to be happy.

My smile remains since I left the hospital. I have Anthony's hand in my left and a sheet of paper to make the first step in the other.

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**_A/N: Hope you liked. Where do you think she knew Charlie from? Why does she have money from him?_**

**_Leave me a review if you want._**

**_Next up meet the Cullens._**


	4. Chapter 4 Breakfast interruptus

No copyright infringement is intended.

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Chapter 4: Breakfast interrupts

Bella

I wake up early this time in the morning having slept like a stone. It's almost 6 A.M. and I check into Tony's room.

He is still sound asleep and I go to clean up the kitchen and prepare some breakfast. After an hour I go in his room again to wake him up. He stirs lightly and then smiles at me, his light brown eyes sparkling in the early morning.

"Breakfast is ready, buddy." I tell him quietly. He rubs his sleep from his eyes and crawls out of bed.

"So how did you like your doctor, the one you're friends with?" I ask him once we are seated at the table and I eat my toast and Anthony his bowl of cereal. "Dr. Edward? He is awesome!" he says happily "He got me this cool truck that I played with."

"What kind of truck?" I ask and he starts telling me in great detail about the firefighter truck he played with all day yesterday. The colors, features and that the nurses stayed with him during breakfast and lunch. Dr. Cullen even came back and stayed during his break. He talks about a secret that I hear the second time about and how the doctor is his "bestest friend" now.

I can't comprehend why he is so much like me. I never had friends at that age. I never had friends, period. Ms. Cope was more a mother than a friend, I guess. It really scares me that we are so similar in our behavior. What does that mean for him? And more importantly when the children come like their mother, does that mean that I will be like her? I abandon that thought and concentrate back on Anthony. By the way he talks about his stay at the hospital, I feel left out and it makes me really sad that Anthony doesn't seem to need me as I actually thought. I get another stupid idea out of my head as soon as I am thinking it, because he definitely needs me, he is only five for god's sake. I needed a mother my whole life. Tony is still talking about the hospital and all the animals on the walls when there is a knock on the front door.

Anthony jumps out of his seat and runs to the door. I can't hear who it is but when I hear him scream I follow him quickly to the door. I stop in my tracks and take in the scene before me. Anthony has his arms and legs wrapped tightly around a slightly stunned looking Dr. Cullen. He recovers quickly though and smiles a very broad smile and looks up to see me standing in the kitchen door for the first time. I get this feeling again from him, like his stare is so intense and as if his green eyes would burn right through me. The sensation is the same as when we met in the hospital for the first time. This feels so very private and intimate. He is holding onto Anthony and looking at me while doing it. I'm in his ban and could stare at him all day long. Anthony skids off him until they are just holding hands.

"Dr. Edward, why are you here? Are you here for breakfast?" he asks Edward excitedly. Dr. Cullen snickers and says "I'm here for you, little spider monkey. But why don't we ask your mom if it's okay first?"

While they are talking I use the time to appreciate the man in front of me, for the first time. He is tall, about 6'2'', and has a slender statue, but not on the meager side. I can guess that he is active, but not in the pumped up kind of way. His face looks almost female in his perfection; pouty lips, high cheekbones, expressive eyes-oh my god his eyes, angular jaw and his thick eyelashes. I can see he hasn't shaved in a couple of days. His 5-o'clock-shadow looks soft, as looks his hair. His hair is a mystery in itself I notice. Not only is the color unusual; not red, nor brown, almost copper-is that even a hair color?- but it's the way it looks disheveled and at the same time in place. Like it's normal for him to look so devastatingly handsome before eight in the morning. He is wearing rather boring clothes; a faded-blue pullover with a white shirt underneath, his blue jeans sit perfectly on his hips and I like to see him turning around for me, so I can check out his backside. This thought brings me back to what I am currently wearing and I start blushing immediately. Still in my pajamas with ratty, old and grey and the large blue sweats. I cross my hands in front of my breasts because I know they are appreciating the view as much as I have been and the red bra underneath doesn't do much against the puckered traitors. My stomach flutters when I notice he is looking at where my hands are right now. Did he just check me out? When our eyes met again, the pitter-patter my stomach is doing, doesn't go away and I hope it's out of hunger and not…

"Mom?" Anthony asks me, efficiently interrupting my thoughts and I remember my improper thinking just in time to step away from the door and let them both in. "Sure, Dr. Cullen it's a pleasure meeting you again so soon."

I turn around and walk the two steps into the tiny kitchen and try to get my bearing together.

Stop blushing for gods sake!

"Want some coffee Dr. Cullen?" I hear a groan as I say this to him and turn around to see him look away from me. He takes a second and then clears his throat. "Ms. Sw- Bella, I'm sorry, but I never actually offered you my name, I'm Edward, please call me Edward. And yes, I would like some coffee, very much." He looks a little flustered and I'm very pleased to see a small blush on his cheeks.

"Take a seat then, Edward."

We sit at the table for a couple of seconds where we both don't look at each other but watch Tony eat his cereals, who is utterly unaware of the awkward atmosphere around him.

Edward clears his throat again as Tony is almost done eating and goes over to drink his milk noisily out of his bowl. "Actually I came here today to give you something back, Anthony." He states and Tony immediately stops slurping and listens to him. Edward brings a bag from under the table that I haven't noticed him bringing in, in the first place and pulls out Anthony's firefighter truck from the hospital.

I'm astounded that he is so nice to my son without even knowing him for long. It's not that Anthony was seriously ill and needs many toys to get better quickly. But I soon get angry over Anthony's jig he is performing sitting on his seat. How dare he spoil my son with toys? We are no charity case, mister. Does he think I don't have enough money to get him his own toys? He probably thinks I'm a pathetic, non-loving mother, who doesn't care enough for her son to stay the night at the hospital, brings him in with just his pajamas and then uses the hospital staff to baby-sit to get a manicure or something. But what else is he supposed to think, I did all this and the conclusion seems so fitting it scares me. Shit, what have I done? Is he here to see how we live? To check if I'm a messy mother who lets her son starve, because she spends everything on knick-knacks nobody needs? Will he inform youth welfare and take him from me? I feel panic rise in me at this outcome. But then I get even more upset, when I notice, that Anthony is ridiculously happy with the toy. His bowl of milk is set aside and he starts playing with the truck at the table.

He looks like this is the best thing anyone ever gave him and I'm devastated. Edward on the other hand is still laughing happily along with him and I resent him, but at the same time I'm sad, because it was my idea to get Tony a truck like this one in the afternoon and make up for not being in the hospital overnight. And also it should be a first step for me, to get over the feeling that my son might not know that I love him. How pathetic you are, I scold myself. I fix my fury on Edward, because he ruined it and he doesn't even know.

"What does one say, Anthony?" in inquire and look sternly at him. "Thank you, Dr. Edward" he says almost in a whisper and leaves the room immediately with a bowed head to play in the living room.

And again, I got ahead of myself and because I am incapable to being nice to my son, I let him see my ugly face. It's a catastrophe. How can I get better when I can't even be happy that Anthony is-no, was- happy just a minute ago?

My head is in my hands and I feel the tears watering my eyes and threatening to spill out. I sigh loudly and curse myself to ruin yet another day in my son's life, what a failure.

"Why are you here?" I ask Edward who hasn't said a word since my outburst.

"Why am I here? What?" he stutters and I lose my last nerve. "Are you going to take him away from me?" I blurt out angrily, but there is still no answer from Edward. "It's not that difficult of a question to answer, isn't it? Aren't you a doctor and supposed to be smart or something?" I rant further and feel the control slip away again. Taking a deep breath and exhaling very slowly. I look up at Edward, who looks at me with wide perplexed eyes. "I'm sorry. Why are you here, other than to bring Anthony his truck?" I try to ask nicely. I haven't gotten my control back yet and I'm walking a thin line between kicking him out of my house and listening to him to enjoy his pretty company more. Stupid, fluttering stomach!

"I'm sorry to interrupt your morning so rudely, but I really just wanted to give Anthony the truck back. And…"

"And what?"

"Well, I actually wanted to check if you had time to contact my mother for the day care, yet?" he looks sheepishly as he says this and it's utterly confusing because I'm supposed to be mad at him for making me look like the bad cop.

"No I didn't forget about the number you gave me yesterday, I'm just, I'm not sure if…" I sigh frustrated and stop butchering my sentence any further.

"Look Bella, I know you're trying but I can see that you can't split yourself in half and be a mother and go to work at the same time. Should I just make the call right now?"

What the hell? Who does he think he is? Why is he so invested in this idea, anyway?

I bite my inner lip and contemplate what he just offered. I'm not helpless and over my head with being a mother. I'm just… struggling, that's all, I tell myself and then say "We don't need your help, Edward" It's probably rude to say it, but I want to make clear I'm not a charity case that the perfect and mighty doctor can take on itself just to feel- what?- proud, like he accomplished something? That doesn't make sense and I feel left out because I can't figure out what's in it for him. What are his intentions? Ugh, this so frustrating and way too early in the morning to deal with.

"I know you don't, but it would help you nonetheless, wouldn't it?"

"Well yes, but-"

"No buts Bella, let me help yo-Anthony. Please?"

I sigh and capitulate to his charm and incredible logical arguments. "Fine. Do your worst."

He smiles this smile that I only saw him directing towards Anthony earlier and feel happy to make him happy because he could make me happy. Apparently it also makes my brain cells melt; I think and shake my head at my stupidity.

He starts his call and doesn't have to wait long to be answered by a cheery voice at the other end on the line.

"Hi mom. … Yes, I'm good. Actually I'm calling- … No, I don't have time to come over this evening, I have the late shift, remember? So why I'm actually calling you. I like to cash in a favor for a friend- … No, mom not my girlfriend!" "Geesh " he mutters to himself and then starts all over again. "Mother, will you listen to me for a second?" He waits for her to finish, whatever she is babbling about and then continues. "I'm sitting here with a mother who wants her son, Anthony, to admit to you day care, but she may not be able to pay you with money." I cringe at his last comment, but Edward looks up and smiles crookedly and it's somehow comforting. "Do you think she can come by today?" he looks at me as he says this and I nod in confirmation. Yes, I have time today, thank you very much, Mr. Banner!

"Great" I hear him say and he continues with "Bella wants to speak to you for a second, as well" he winks at that and I shake my head vehemently, but it's too late, he already holds the phone out to me and raises his brow as if to say "Really?"

"H-hello? Mrs. Cullen?"

"Yes, my dear. But please call me Esme. Mrs. Cullen was my mother-in-law and being associated with her, isn't really a compliment." She laughs heartedly at that I don't know if this is a joke or if I just really insulted her while only saying hello. I'm still speechless when she speaks up again "Joking aside, I'm happy that you and your son are thinking about my day care school. Would you like to come by today so I can get to know the little Anthony of yours? " Her warm, motherly tone reassures me, that Edward's idea may have been a very good one.

"I would like that very much. When would be best for you?"

"Oh, my dear, you're always welcome. We're having a small redecoration party anyway. Bring Anthony along as well, my grandkids are here today, so he won't get bored I promise."

Esme Cullen sounded very nice and I smiled through the telephone when I answered her.

"Okay, I'll be there in an hour."

"Can't wait, Bella." came the cheery answer. As I hung up, I still smiled at the phone in front of me. She was so nice!

When I looked up, Edward was looking at me. He had his head cocked aside and his laugh lines along his eyes showed clearly. He looked serene and happy, too. It stunned me, why was he so happy about me meeting his mother? Wait, am I meeting his mother, or the woman who takes care of Anthony if I let her and accidentally is also his mother? I'm confused thinking of this and so I let it slide.

"Your mom, Esme, was very nice. She said, we could come by in an hour." I repeat my statement from the call. "I know. My mom is the nicest person I know. She is perfect with kids and inspired me to become a pediatrician." Instantly I'm weary of this Mother Theresa of Port Angeles.

Will she like me? Can she see my helplessness when it comes to Tony? Will she be aware of the thin line I'm walking every day, what effort it takes to not get soaked into my nightmares because I see myself in Anthony, and still be a mother he can look up to and learn from?

"I think I have to go soon. You know, my shift starts soon." "Yes, of course. Thank you for calling your mother, that was very nice of you." I say, unsure of the protocol how to say goodbye to the ridiculously handsome doctor of your son's.

"Bella, look, I don't know if I offended you when I gave Anthony the truck from the hospital, but it was without any ulterior motive, I wouldn't do that to him." He hesitates before he speaks again and looks me straight in the eye.

"And to answer your question, I would never do anything that would separate a mother from her child. You don't have to fear that from me. I think, Bella, you are an incredible strong woman and I'm in awe of you." He turns around towards the door to leave and I'm the one standing dumbstruck in the kitchen. What… um… how? What did he just say? What does that even mean: he is in awe of me? How is that even possible? I mean he only knows me for about 24h and we didn't even talk much. When we first met he complained that the nurses are not supposed to nanny my son and now he is in awe of me? When did that happen, between coffee and the call to his mother? I'm still speechless and miss that he already said "I should go, now. Bye Bella." I wake up from my trance and inner ramblings when I hear the door close lightly and he doesn't hear my "Bye Edward." either.

When I go into the living room Anthony plays with his truck as if nothing happened. I crouch down to him and caress his soft curls while saying "Hey baby, I'd like you to meet someone with me. Are up for that?" He nods quietly and goes into his room to change out of his pajamas. As I sit alone here, I exhale loudly. He is still upset about me lashing out at him. Why wouldn't he? I have to find something to make it up to him. Maybe Esme can help me with that, too. I smile at the thought of my Mother Theresa and prepare myself for the day ahead of me.

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_A/N: next up the Cullen, I promise. Those two were just too cute to interrupt!_

_Reviewers get a teaser of Emmett interacting with the Kids._

_XO JB_


	5. Chapter 5 Cullen overkill

No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 5: Cullen overkill

Bella

I park in front of a very old, but charming looking little house. It's about a 5 minute drive from home but in the completely different direction than the hospital was.

As I put my car in park I wait a couple of seconds to appreciate the house in front of me. It's a one story, grey and white house. The front window is very large and you can see clearly inside.

It looks… cute and homey and very appropriate for her business.

Tony and I walk hand in hand inside. When we reach the front steps I hear an incredible loud voice from inside. Shortly afterwards the laughter of kids reaches my ears and I smile as I step further up to the entry and knock loudly to make sure I'm being heard over all the laughter.

A middle aged woman opens the door. Her smile is broad and her eyes are emerald-green. _Esme_.

"Hi, I'm Bella and this is my son Anthony."

I look down to him and nudge him with my hand on his back softly forward. He has his truck clutched in one and holds his hand out to Esme with the other.

"I'm Anthony. Nice to meet you. Are you a friend of my mom?" he asks and Esme laughs softly.

"We'll see about that, but why don't you come in in the meantime. I'm Esme Cullen, but please call me Esme."

Anthony walks inside while I stay in front of Esme.

"I hope we don't disturb, Esme. I'm happy to see you."

"Likewise, Bella. Please come in. Emmett, my son, is just playing tag with the kids, so don't be afraid, when you hear him growling like a bear. He is very outgoing."

I don't know what to say about that, instead I look what she is wearing. It looks incredibly feminine.

She is wearing a crème colored, soft looking shirt, with balloon-ending sleeves and brown jeans, as well as some brown velour leather flats and gold earrings that dangle almost to her shoulders, but are very delicate.

Her outfit makes her seem almost my age, but more sophisticated. Because this is Edward's mother, I guess she is probably in her late forties, but I can only guess. I feel really underdressed in my blue plaid shirt and white tank underneath. My black jeans and my very comfy looking, brown hiking boots, don't match nearly as good as I thought they would at home.

Either Esme doesn't notice or she doesn't show, but she just walks straight ahead and asks me if I would like a tour. I say "Sure" and follow her to the living room/play room. Toys, crayons, sheets of paper and some painting utensils lay in different boxes in the middle of the room. It seems randomly at first, but then I notice, that it gives the kids the chance to have their own small circle within the room, because it blocks other kids and their activities effectively, but not entirely. It's very clever and I can see she's given this much thought. The two opposite corners of the room have a different theme, I notice.

One corner is in blue paint and in front of it is a rather huge looking corsair. It looks really realistic, with the brown paneled balustrade, the anchor in the front and a pirate flag instead of a sail.

In the other corner we have a green and yellow background and a pink house in front of it. There are steps up on one side and a slide going down on the other, flowerboxes in front of the windows make it seem very feminine.

The windows at the back of the rooms give you a great view of the backyard. It has a sandbox and swing in the middle. All around are bigger and smaller toys scattered throughout the garden. It looks lovely, homey and so different from our home.

There is also a tree at the very end of the yard. I can see that they are trying to build a tree house up there, but as of now, it's only the foundation, without walls or any of that. There are steps made out of branches going up the tree to the foundation of the house. Esme notices what I'm looking at and explains.

"Well, this tree house is probably older than the house we are currently standing in. My sons are trying to build it, but although they can work with a scalpel and save people's lives every day, they are clearly not fitted to build a house."

Esme laughs and a voice I haven't heard before continues "Emmett once tried to clip the branches to the tree, so that they have a build in ladder and actually hit himself with the riveter. He almost cut his thumb in half. It was incredibly annoying the weeks afterwards. I think that was the last time he worked on the tree house and that was a year ago."

I look stunned at her. She was wearing all black, but it looked all woman.

Maybe it's because of her sapphire blue eyes and her blond long hair or just because she was build like a goddess-long, slender but strong legs and a voluptuous chest. In any way, now I felt not only underdressed but incredible mediocre standing next to these two women.

"I'm Rosalie. You must be Bella."

"Yes" I stammered, still not sure how to deal with my complex.

"It's nice to meet you. Have you seen the library yet?" She asks me, but Esme answers her.

"Not yet, but let's go. The library was Rosalie's personal project. She works as a psychologist and has a library at home so Emma loves to read, as well. It was her idea how to use the leftover room."

We pass by the kitchen and I see that all cupboards are open and hanging a little lower than normal. In the middle is a large table, which almost uses up the whole room. I count ten seats that look customized, as if every kid paints every seat himself. Some of them have Spongebob on it, other Barbie and what looks like butterflies. Then there is a complete pink one, with a big green frog on the back. It looks really good and you can see this girl had some very talented help while painting. There is another door but it's closed, so I guess it's the toilet.

When we arrive at the last room on the left side next to the entrance I look into a very warm and cozy room. There is a bed on the large side of the wall. What sticks out is that the bed is framed with small bookcases, that each has a small cupboard on it to shut it close. The small doors have letters on it, some in pink, blue or even green. It seems all balanced, the colors, the carpet, even the coverlet thrown over the bed.

I'm standing in a little bookworm's dream. No, scratch that, _my_ little bookworm's dream.

"What's behind the doors?" I asked stupidly, because what is the only thing that I can't see in this library?

"The books. Every child has his own small bookcase, but everyone can read all the books, of course."

I'm speechless, but think that I have to actually appreciate the room verbally.

"I would have loved to have this room as a child. It's fantastic, no outstanding. Really very lovely, Rosalie." I ramble on and finally stop myself before I ask if I can stay here until Tony wants to go home.

By the way "Where is my son?" I finally remember I have one and wonder where he is.

"He is out in the backyard with Emmett" Esme says.

"Would you like to have a cup of coffee or tea so we can talk out the specifics in the kitchen?"

I nod enthusiastically and we leave towards the kitchen. I take place on the seat with the butterflies and Esme takes a seat opposite of me.

"So how many kids are here with you?" I ask, finally remember why I'm here.

"That depends. We have 9 kids here in total, but some of them only come once a week, or an afternoon or something. When the mothers have some appointments where they can't bring the child with them, then it's me who takes care of him or her for a couple of hours. We have about 4 of them that fit into this category. Then there are the children that stay here Monday through Friday, for example my grandchildren, Emma and Jack. I love to be around them so often. It makes me happy to see them grow up and be a part of their live so regularly. It's incredible how much you miss even during a weekend, when we don't have time to visit my son, for example." Her eyes get all mushy and she radiates happiness and motherly love while she tells me this. "So, Anthony actually would be a good addition, because it would be 3 girls and 3 boys here."

She finishes answering my question.

_How do I ask the next one? _I ponder, while biting my lip again.

Esme helps me out by asking"You know, we could really use some help with the redecoration of the play room. We have to add the underwater scene and the theme for the play house is going to be farms and their animals. Do you think you can help me out with that during the next week?"

"I would be glad to help any way I can. I only work half time in the supermarket and have today and tomorrow afternoon off, so I can come by whenever it would be possible for you."

I answer her quickly because this would be a huge saving for my monthly budget that was just cut in half because of Mr. Banner.

"Mhm" she says and then continues "Have you ever thought of working as a kindergarten teacher, Bella? Because with Anthony here, there are just too many little kids around to keep watch and play with at the same time. I don't need the help immediately and I know I can hire someone who is already qualified, but it would be a good chance for you to be together with Anthony and at the same time earn the money that you need for him to be here and then some."

I'm dumbfounded for the second time today. _What is up with these Cullens?_

Could I be with kids half of the week, when I can't stand being around my son half of the time? But on the other hand, I could watch him and make sure he doesn't get picked on like I did. The idea terrifies and elates me at the same time. I'm between a rock and a hard place. Ms. Cope's voice resonates in my head _"Your mom wasn't home yesterday either, wasn't she?"_ I remember the feeling of being alone with nobody to talk to, nobody to play with and I know, this isn't what I want for Tony.

I'm not a bad mother and if it means I have to jump over my own shadow, so be it.

Esme is still looking and apparently she knows what I was thinking or at least got the gist of it, because her smile broadens and she says. "Perfect. Welcome to Casa Esme, my dear. As I said, I don't need help immediately, but maybe you can start next week? What do you think, we start with painting the walls with some underwater creatures?"

I nod eagerly, because I think this will look great behind the corsair.

As we are preparing the colors and trying to sketch the first figures, fishes, turtles and sharks on the wall, boisterous laughter fills the room.

I can see 3 kids wrapped around a huge looking man. A small girl holds him tight around his neck, another hangs from his leg and Anthony holds his waist from behind with hands and legs. The picture is so unbelievable ridiculous that we all start laughing immediately. Emmett, I presume, runs around in a circle and is screaming while still laughing "HELP ME, the Lilliputian's got a hold of me, they will eat me ALIVE. So god mom, please help me!" he is still running in circles but the kids now make "nom, nom, nom" sounds while biting him in different places.

The room is full of laughter and I feel my stomach cramp from all the exercise until Emmett stops running around, taking Anthony from his waist as if he would weight nothing, then picks up his daughter and shakes out his leg lightly to get rid of his other child. The way he does it shows such affection and love it fascinates me. He goes with his hand through his hair and laughs a last time.

"Now I need some tea. What do you think Emma, do you want to have a tea party with us?"

A girl with blond hair and blue eyes, like her mother, rushes into the kitchen. She wears a white knotted cotton dress, holds a big frog in her hand and pink glitter ballet flats with über-dimensional flowers on top.

The boys, even Anthony, follow her like puppies and scream "YEAH". The other boy seems younger than his sister. He is wearing a blue shirt and grey cargo pants that have grassy plots on his backside. Anthony didn't even notice me, when he rushes after Emma.

"I think somebody is in love." Esme chuckles next to me while watching the same scene I just did.

How can she tell?

Emmett stands in front of me. "Are you tiny-Tony's mom?" he says, while still gasping for air from his play date with the kids.

"Yes, that's me. I'm Bella. You must be Emmett. Rosalie introduced you already. Well, kind of." I chuckle to myself remembering exactly _how _she introduced her husband.

"Damn straight. That's my woman. It's hard not to notice me, anyway. So Anthony is going to be here with my kids?"

"Yes, I just talked with Esme about that." I answer, not exactly knowing where this is going.

"Well let me tell you, your boy is working the charms like a pro. He just fixed the boo-boo on Kermit and captured my daughter's heart in a storm. He better not get any older because as cute as it is now, I don't want him smuggling into Emma's room when she is 14." His voice is stern but his smile is broad and I feel myself starting to laugh as well.

Who would have thought Anthony likes girls?

The children come back into the room and Emmett looks at all three of them "Where are the cookies? We can't have a tea party without cookies, that's impossible." he says, Anthony just shrugs, never having a tea party before and continues to set the table.

Emmett looks at Esme, who answers "I don't have cookies right now, you know there are for the kids anyway."

"But I'm your kid mom, I'll always be your kid, no matter how old." He complains and the only thing missing is a childish pout to believe him.

I would have already given in, but Esme says "There are still some leftover sandwiches in the fridge, just take those and it's an early dinner."

Rosalie who sits next to Esme mutters to us "Sometimes I wonder where the _man_ I married is left in this shell of a child." Emmett who stays behind her picks her up and tells her for all to hear

"I can reacquaint you with my _man_ anytime, Rose. You only have to ask." And then follows by giving her a huge, wet and loud kiss on the lips.

Emma shrieks from the table that is set now completely "Ugh da-ad, that's gross!"

"Yes it is, my dear. Always remember that! You can only kiss when you are married." Rosalie snorts at that and hits his shoulder hard, but playfully. He gives her another kiss on the cheek and whispers again "Just ask." and then starts running off into the kitchen while laughing out loud and successfully dodging Rosalie's punches.

Emmett comes back into the room with some sandwiches that he is already eating. He sits with the kids around the table and they talk quietly to themselves. The situation, although comical, with this giant of a man sitting at a too small table and in an even smaller seat, shows love and family and everything I couldn't provide Anthony with before.

As if hearing his name in my thoughts he looks up to me and asks "Can I come here every day, mom?"

I don't hesitate when I answer him "Yes, I made sure of that." And for the first time since this morning, he smiles his broad, happy and rewarding smile, which I would die for to see daily on him.

_I did it! I made it up to him and it wasn't even difficult._

I'm elated and go back to sketching the shark I want to paint on the wall. I catch Esme's gaze and she winks at me.

_My Mother Theresa, indeed._

_

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_

A happy Anthony, wow!

I have a beta now, she edited this over thanksgiving so I'm very thankful for that! thx kitty_writer!

Polyvores are on my profile, so you can check out the kids, the Cullens and how Casa Esme and the rooms look like!

Send me a review and motivate me to finish Ch 6 this weekend.

xo JB


	6. Chapter 6 Lion and Lamb

No copyright infringement is intended.

This is a crucial chapter for the story. It's time to meet Anthony's dad. Dum Dum Dum.

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Chapter 6: Lion and Lamb

Bella

Lying in my bed this night, I'm trying to remember the day we had. Anthony never seemed happier; he never had so much fun being around other kids as well.

_Well maybe, because he __has never been around many kids in his life._

I sigh and have to accept, that I behaved selfish in the past. Why did I never gave him the chance to play at the public playground, why did I gave him to an old lady to take care of him, when I'm at work, who apparently does nothing more exciting than watching TV, knitting and drinking sherry?

Why did I never bother to change that, _to change myself._

Before I'm actually trying to analyze my nonexistent childhood I try to think of the coming week. It's going to be tough, being around so many kids, who want to get to know me. Showing Esme I'm worth the money and trust she put into me after just a small talk in the kitchen, between bunnies, frogs and butterflies.

I chuckle, thinking I have never seen a more suitable house for children. She really is a natural with kids.

_Would Edward be__ the same? And where did that come from?_

It's been a long time since I felt interested in a man. I've never understood the fuss about sex. I guess I know that it's supposed to make you feel special, make you feel wanted and _loved-_I get that, but that doesn't mean I got that feeling the last time I did _it_. I obviously had had sex, but for me, it didn't feel like I connected with another person or I just never had that person to begin with.

I once overheard a woman, apparently in love, and she talked about how she can be herself with him and just _let go,_ how he can play her like an instrument.

I scoffed at that, standing in line behind her, and I did it again now. That sounded just so stupid and why would you show someone how vulnerable you are? Doesn't she know that it's going to bite her in the ass eventually?

Not wanting to dive further into this sort of topic I took a deep breath and resumed to the thing that mattered most – Anthony.

With questions in my head and no answers to get a good night's rest I doze off and let pictures overtake my consciousness. Memories I knew so well, they were the start of happier times that came afterwards; they were the kind that changed your life completely and devastated you at the same time. Memories of Mike.

_o0o~_

_I was hitchhiking throughout the country. Cars seemed to mold into another, signs of cities and states passed by, without me recognizing them. I could have been 50 miles away or 5000, I wouldn't know and I didn't care either. Landscapes changed and looked the same, but there were never familiar. Nothing was familiar, there was no one I knew. I was alone. _

_If I had known how difficult it would be, I would have never left, but there is no way back now._

_I haven't watched TV in a while, not consciously anyway and nobody noticed me or looked funny at me, so I presumed that my mother didn't look for me. _

_She didn't miss me. They obviously didn't miss me. Would Jasper?_

_The last 10 weeks were challenging and more life altering than anything ever before._

_Trusting nameless people with my life was hard, but I adapted to it. After some dicey situations with college boys and stupid blond girls talking about stuff I had no idea of and smoking pot the whole 3 hour ride to the next rest stop, I only hitch hiked with older couples, preferably still able to see me and the road in front of them. _

_They were amusing and didn't bother me and when I told them I was travelling across country to surprise my gramps, they believed me. It actually wasn't a lie. I could have visited my grandparents; I just didn't know where they lived, if they lived. Mom never told us._

_I am going to run out of money. I just had about a hundred dollars left and still no idea what I can do once it run out. Can I work at 16? What can I do without having to show any papers? I didn't have an address, would they need that from me? _

_I was plagued by these questions on and on and my money got less and less. _

_One __Sunday afternoon and I couldn't find any supermarkets to get some quick noodles to boil in my hotel room, so I wandered around the small village and found a small diner or bar, it looked like they were both- diner and bar._

_It was called "Lion and Lamb" and had some pretty, British looking pub sign out front._

_I went inside and had to adjust my eyes because the furniture was so incredibly dark and the sunlight streamed in and blinded me at first._

_There were no customers inside and so I stood awkwardly at the entrance and didn't know what to do. Leave? But I was kind of hungry and needed an idea where to go next, another city close by, preferably._

_A man came out from behind the curtain next to the bar and looked me over. He was older, but not too old, maybe close to the same age as my brothers. Probably 25, like Laurent._

_He still looked at me and I realized I should probably say something._

"_Uhm," I said. Great. "where can I sit?" I asked and he looked at me with furrowed brows then looked around the room and came back with his gaze on me while raising his brows. Apparently it doesn't matter._

_I ordered some mashed potatoes and chicken. Nothing fancy but filling._

_He came back with a coke and told me 18$. Down to 80, shit. Even with noodle soups, instant meals and some nice older persons who gave me lunch packages, I wouldn't be able to travel longer than a week or two or so. I need to find some place to stay and to work. Travelling is just too expensive._

_I ate slowly and looked around. Now that my eyes weren't blinded anymore I could see that this pub had to be existent for a couple of years. I saw some framed photos on a wall opposite of me, although I couldn't decipher certain faces, it was obvious that it was a special occasion, a birthday party or something. _

_My birthday was 2 weeks prior. I never had a huge birthday bash in the past and I wouldn't have a "Sweet sixteen" party at home anyway, but it still felt odd when nobody congratulated me that day. I missed Mrs. Cope._

_The rest of the pub was in old red brick stones, black, worn out furniture and a dark, off looking timber flooring that had lighter parts where it was used frequently. _

_Out front came a different man, he was older. He had an atmosphere around him, like he held authority here and everybody will notice him, when he steps into a room._

_He catches me looking at him and offered a smile. It didn't look creepy, but didn't look comforting either. He came to my table and took my plate in his hand. _

"_Anything else, Bella?"my eyes grew big as saucers and I looked around trying to find someone that might have known me. The pub was still empty._

_He chuckled, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, and I'm Italian, so every woman is a bella to me." I got what he was saying, and relaxed a bit. The coincidence was just too much unlikely, I told myself._

_I've never seen him before. Mom never had Italian friends and I certainly was never in this town. Where was I anyway?_

"_Where am I?" I asked, having voiced my thought. He raised his eyebrows and looked at me confused. _

"_What do you mean? Where are you? Do you mean this place or the village? You're in my diner and pub called "Lion and Lamb" but you are in Boise, ID along the I-84?" he answered in a question not sure what I wanted from him._

_I nodded and tried to deflect that I still had no idea where I was._

"_Lion and lamb, that's a nice name for a pub." I mused not sure what to say._

"_So, do you want anything else?" he said, while circling his hand around, as if to say "you didn't answer my question"._

"_Uhm," say it! I told myself. He seems nice enough. "do you think there is someplace to stay around here, somewhere… cheap?" is whisper the last word, not sure why I'm embarrassed by asking this._

_He thinks a second and then says "We have a room upstairs, but it's not for guests, it used to be a place for the cooking help." I pondered that idea and found it had potential to ask further._

"_Do you need help in the kitchen then?" I rushed out, hoping he didn't say no._

"_Mhm. Can you cook?"he asked. _

_I pursed my lips and shook my head apologizing. "I can clean the bar and floors. I did it all the time at home. Before…" I stopped myself from babbling out more than he wanted to know. You're so stupid, Bella. That could have gone incredibly wrong. _

"_But were closing the bar at two am. You're sure you want to get up at 3 and clean the whole thing that early?"_

"_Can I live here for free?" I just asked._

"_If you'll do your job, then yeah, sure."_

"_Then that won't be a problem at all."_

_He smiled at me slightly, switching the plate to his left hand and held out his right for me to shake."I'm Gennaro, but everyone calls me Aro."_

"_Bella" I answered and he laughed at that. I smiled sheepishly. He doesn't have to know that he pegged my name right from the start._

"_Sure you are." He just said, walked away towards the curtain and looked back. _

"_Well let me show you the room."_

_Weeks passed by like that and I was girl for everything._

_At lunchtime I always helped Marcus, the cook, to prepare the days dinner. I did mostly basic stuff, like peeling potatoes, cleaning salad and cleaning up the kitchen once he was done. _

_Lunchtime was quiet, so we often sat at the bar and ate the lunch we made._

_Caius never came before 2 pm to prepare the bar. He was the only bartender and the youngest of the trio. _

_Whereas Marcus and Aro, whose only purpose was to talk to customers and sometimes, if it was busy, helped waiting the tables. It was never overly packed, but you could see that it was enough to survive._

_My room was small, like really small. I had a small bed with a window next to it. A small dresser next to my feet and an even smaller washbowl, which was a pain in the ass if you wanted to wash your hair. I wouldn't wonder if I was already balding._

_I used the customer toilet for everything else I needed._

_It felt for me like a pretty decent deal, because I never needed anything. I could eat 2 times a day with Marcus and drink the tab water. I didn't bring many clothes with me anyway and the two shirts with lion and lamb logo I got from Aro were enough._

_We never talked about my past and I never shared but it was obvious, that I didn't choose this because I was bored._

_I was always eager to find the connection between the 3 of them. How did they meet? _

_Aro was an Italian who came here 20 years ago with his mom. She died shortly afterwards and so he began to travel around and just sticked with this place ever since._

_Marcus was a friend of Aro's from back home. And somehow they found each other again. Caius never told me anything, nor offered the other two to tell me his story._

_The summer came and you could see that some musicians passed by now and then to go to some festivals._

_Aro was always eager to have something new in his pub, so we had a lot of bands playing during the nights. I never liked the music though, but I certainly liked that it was something different._

_One Saturday night there came two guitar players and asked if they could practice some songs. Apparently they came from England and were travelling around, hoping to get noticed from someone important. _

_This night was incredibly packed. The music was really good and they certainly knew how to talk to their audience. That's why I was asked from Caius to get off the barstool and come behind the bar to pour beer. I was nervous because I have never done that before._

_He showed me how to pour it and after a few tries I did quite good. I also got talked to a couple of times and people left tips, although they just had a single beer._

_At the corner next to me was sitting a younger man, in his early twenties probably. He looked still childish in his features and had this surfer look not quite right. _

_He wasn't ordinary looking, but pretty enough for me to catch a few glances now and then. As the band had a break he ordered me to him and asked for another beer. As I gave it to him, he held out his hand and said "I'm Mike. And you are?"_

"_Bella"_

"_That means pretty or something, right?"_

_I just nodded and went back to work. He looked at me often but never said anything._

_The music was really nice. The voices and the two guitars complimented each other wonderfully. It was a simple song, but catchy and I felt myself moving with the music, swinging my hips with the guitars and smiling while singing the chorus along a couple of times._

_When the song ended I glanced towards Mike again just to find him looking at me. He smiled again and leaned forward so that I could hear him. "You're really pretty."_

_I looked down shyly. Never really one for flirting I didn't know what to do._

"_When do you get off your shift?"_

"_After the last customer." I answered, shrugged my shoulders and went back to pouring beer and washing glasses again._

_People were leaving one after another. Mike said still in his barstool, drinking and looking at me._

"_Do you live around town?" he asked and I said that I lived upstairs. Somehow he said that that was cool, although I didn't quite think so._

_After some more attempts to talk, Mike made himself ready to leave. He tipped me almost 20$ for his 5 beers._

_Before he left the bar he asked me "Are you here tomorrow?" I nodded and he said "Can't wait." While knocking on the counter as a goodbye and smiling charmingly back at me._

_He is nice, I thought. Although obviously a couple of years older, he never seemed to mind, though._

_Mike came by every day the next week and on Friday he asked me, if he could bring me home. Caius next to me snorted but I said sure. _

_I showed him my small room. Mike didn't seem to notice. He only looked at me and stepped closer. Our shoes almost touched and I had to look up to still see his face._

_He looked really good, I thought and studied his face a little bit more. Ash-blond hair, that seemed to need a haircut, grey-blue eyes that looked almost dark like the ocean in the dim lit room._

_Mike exhaled slowly and I smelled beer on his breath. _

"_Can I kiss you, Bella?" he asked me and I didn't answer._

_Instead I watched him lower his head to mine and press his lips shortly on mine. It was just a peck, but I followed him with my mouth as he retreated to look at me. Mike smirked and kissed me again._

_This time more firmly. He kissed me with different pressure. Sometimes lightly and then more intensively. Somehow his hands latched onto my hips and pulled me into him. He then moved his hand upwards my back until he reached my shoulders, my arms and then my hands that hang loosely at my sides. He took them with him and folded my hands behind his back. _

_Our upper bodies touched and I felt myself getting lightheaded. I opened my mouth and he pushed his tongue into me, seeking out mine. I wasn't uncomfortable, but it felt new, wet and warm. His mouth still tasted like beer, but I didn't mind._

_My stomach began to flutter and I started to really enjoy the attention he gave me. His mouth wandered along my neck and close to my collarbone and then back again. This rhythm made me almost mad and I heard myself moaning. Embarrassed by the sound I pulled away, but Mike held me firmly and told me "That was sexy." _

_We walked slowly into the room and I heard the door closing. We sat on the bed, still kissing but Mike's hands began to roam over my body. Starting at my hips he went lower to my thighs and back around to my backside. His hands wandered to my waist and stomach, along the sides of my breasts, that's when I gasped out and pulled away from him._

_I moved back a little on the bed and he took his hands away and held my face instead._

"_You're special Bella. I've never felt like this before for anyone but you."_

_I'm flattered by this, but don't know how he can feel like this when we've only met a week ago._

"_Can I sleep here tonight?" he asks and I swallow thickly._

_What? I'm not ready for that, I think._

_He laughs lightly "No, not like that. Can I just crush in your bed? We can cuddle if you like? I just don't want to go home tonight. Please?"he begs me and I know I want him to stay, his attention is nice and he certainly likes me enough to respect my feelings._

_I nod and then go to the sink to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. Mike steps out of his shoes and socks and then slides the zipper open from his jeans. My eyes get big as I look into the mirror, my toothbrush still in mouth. _

"_Not like that Bella" he admonishes "it's just more comfortable to sleep like this." _

_He steps out of them and I can see him in his boxers. There is nothing revealing by that and I get comfortable again to brush my teeth, spit it out and gurgle with the water in my mouth to clean out the rest._

_I turn around and I am at a loss._

_Should I take off my pants, too? I quickly think what kind of panties I'm wearing and decide they are actually not revealing and good looking. Well as good as underwear looks, anyway._

_I go into bed and lay next to him. He cradles me in his arms and we look at each other. He is stroking along my arm and we start kissing again. _

_It feels really good being here, in his arms, held by him, as if I'm really precious. I start being bolder and kiss along his neck, because it felt so good when he did that to me. _

_He moans just as loud as I did and I start chuckling, because I made him feel good. I'm elated and my stomach flutters, our legs are tangled with each other and we are kissing again._

_His mouth moves over mine, our tongues playing with each other, sometimes lightly, sometimes fierce and more erotic. _

_After what feels like hours, his kisses lightens until we are only pecking softly. I yawn suddenly and Mike laughs again._

"_Sleep my Bella. Goodnight." He says in a whisper and I sink comfortingly more into him, lay my head in the crook of his neck and fall into a blissful sleep._

_I awake the next morning and my back hurts. Mike is still asleep, with his leg between mine and his arm around my shoulder. My position is awkward and before I start cramping I try to move more comfortingly. I turn around on my side, so that my back is to his chest and sigh, so much better. _

_Mike stirs next to me and nuzzles my neck from behind._

"_Morning, sleeping beauty." He murmurs and his hands start roaming. He starts to kiss me and his hand around my shoulder lowers to my belly and draws circles around the bellybutton. _

_I moan again because he feels so hot and I like the way he makes me feel in the morning. His kisses become more passionate and soon I turn my head around so I'm able to kiss him. It's the same feeling as last night, but now I feel hot and somehow unsatisfied._

_I become bolder, like last night and my hand wants to roam for the first time. I turn around and touch his chest over his shirt, up to his nipples and I circle them with my finger. I grip his shoulder and they feel nice, toned but not hard. _

_I take both of my hands and close them behind his neck and tousle the end of his hair on his neck. That's when I notice that we are flush side by side and I can't get enough of him next to me. Out of instinct I try to move but it doesn't work, because his leg is still between mine so all it does, is that I squirm and move my hips._

_That's when I feel it. His penis. I have to keep myself from laughing and try not being childish in the most delicious moment of my life._

"_Oh baby," he moans and I blush by his endearment. He grasps my thigh that is above his leg and pulls it upwards, so that it's bending at my knee. _

_This brings me so much closer to him and this time I purposefully move my hips to brush him. It feels right and the heat I feel gets intensified._

_His hands are now freely roaming along my side and I let him, welcome him. It feels so good and I need and relish in his want for me._

_He lifts his shirt over his head and I stare at him. He doesn't give me a lot time before kissing me again passionately. _

_The next minutes are a blur of roaming hands, moving mouths along necks and collarbones until he slips his hand in my panties. I'm slightly embarrassed because nobody has ever been._

_But Mike makes it feel better. He circles around my lips until he inserts a finger slowly and moves it in me._

_I pinch my fingers in his shoulder and moan loud. It feels like a scream to my ears and I feel all my nerve endings respond as once. It's building with every stroke he does and when he moves his thumb over my bundle I explode in hot and cold flushes, my feet curl and my hips buck violently, my stomach muscles twitch and I feel like it is too much to feel all at once._

"_Oh baby, you're exquisite. I need you so badly."I hear Mike whisper and he pushes me on my back. His body hovers over me and I see that his eyes are closed and his face is a mask of concentration. He lies on top of me and I'm still blissed out because of the intensity of what I just felt. I feel his length press against me until he is so very close to where I need him so badly. I grab onto his shoulder and lean into him, raising my body off the sheets while my head falls back and I expose my neck to him._

_He sucks at it and I know I will never get enough when he does that._

_He reaches down and I feel his hand grasps himself because we lay so very close._

_I feel his tip short before my opening and I raise my hips to give him an indication that I want more. He slips slowly into me and I feel stretched, full and it starts to hurt._

_He goes deeper and it feels like it would never end, the burning centers until it's almost too much. I shut my eyes tightly, willing the pain to go away and the intense feeling from a minute ago to come back._

_Mike groans out loudly and then he pulls back and I feel him moving out of me. It feels foreign, new and I don't know what to think of it. _

_My concentration is elsewhere so I just notice after he pushes in me again, quicker now, that the burn subsided and it's now the point for another burning to start. This burning I welcome and seek it out, withering under him to find a position that increases it further._

_My eyes are still shut tightly and I just concentrate on feeling all the things he does to me. _

_He has one arm next to my head and the other grasps my hip to move me in sync with his movements._

_We moan in contrast to each other and I feel him shudder now and then._

_He increases his pace in me tremendously and then he yells out "FUCK!" until he whispers almost too gentle for me to hear "I love you, baby." He stops his movements entirely and falls into my arms. I'm a little bit disappointed because I've never got to feel the euphoria from before again._

_He rolls off of me and kisses me sweetly on the cheek. It's like a silent thank you and I smile. You're welcome, I think. _

_I feel ravished, wanted and blissful and I smile widely while slowly dozing off again._

_I wake up later but I don't know how much later by Mike getting out of bed._

_He smiles at me as he buttons his jeans and says to me "I have to go. My shift starts in 30 minutes."_

"_What time is it?" I ask._

"_Almost ten." He says while looking on his watch briefly._

"_Shit" I yelp. I should have been out of bed an hour ago to help Marcus unloading the stuff from the supermarket._

_We clothe ourselves next to each other and then rush out of the room, down the stairs and into the kitchen to get out at the backdoor._

_Mike kisses me on the cheek and is around the corner in just mere seconds._

_I'm happy beyond everything I've ever felt before._

_Marcus doesn't seem to notice as we peel potatoes, though._

_But when I start restocking the bar Caius comes into the bar. It's almost 3pm and he is late today. He looks at me briefly and then asks me all of a sudden "had a good night's rest?" I blush instantly but then get a whispered "yes." out and he lets it go._

_I'm starting to get antsy. It's almost 8 and Mike hasn't shown the second night in a row._

_I still blush when I think of two nights, well mornings, ago. _

_I have never felt so wanted from a single person before, have never gotten so much attention like this before. And then he said "I love you". It was such an intimate situation, two lovers in the heat of the moment. I chuckle at that cheesy thought but like it nonetheless._

_I can't wait for him to stay the night again._

_Caius notices me fidgeting and raises an eyebrow as if to say „knock it off!"_

"_Mike" I say as an explanation and question the same time._

"_Oh" he just answers. "He got back with his girlfriend. He won't come here until they are fighting again. Takes about a month or two at the most, don't worry. He always comes here to let off some steam, you know."_

_I'm dumbfounded. _

_His girlfriend?_

_But he said he loved me._

_And then it clicked. Baby. He said baby. Never Bella, though._

_My epiphany feels like a stroke. It crushes through me and numbs everything it passes along the way._

_I have no idea how I got from that last thought into the backseat of a car to Seattle. His was the first car that passed me in the middle of the night and I just got in, nodding when he ask if I really wanted to Seattle._

_I'm back at square one again. _

_I'm running again._

_No, I'm running _away_ again._

_But this time feels so much worse._

_This time it's not a purse that I have with me from the last place I've been. _

_It's a shirt with a lion and a lamb and the numb feeling in my body._

_I'm alone. Again._

_

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_

Poor Bella. Who wants to kick Mike's ass?

Leave me a review, and I'll do it

Thanks to my beta kitty_writer for helping me!

Thanks to fictionators and pictease for thinking my story is worth mentioning on their awesome blog!

X JB


	7. Chapter 7 Margaritas

_Sorry, it took a little longer than the last chapters._

_The song Bella dances to in the Lion and Lamb bar is up on my profile._

_Polyvore for this one will be up shortly._

_Let me know what you think._

_Happy Reading!_

* * *

Chapter 7: Margaritas

Edward POV

Driving home I thought about the dinner we had this evening. Sunday night hosted the mandatory family dinner ever since I can remember. My mother being the fantastic chef she was, made me actually look forward to spend some quality time with the folks. I always took the chance to play with my niece and nephew too.

Between my parents, Emmett and Rose and me, those two were probably spoiled rotten and the most loved kids in the world. Not that I minded though, but this week made me realize that there are possibilities that this is not the norm. Be it intentional or unintentional, some parents just couldn't provide such a lovely home and childhood for their little ones, either they didn't have the family support or it was lack of money, causing lack of time for taking care of the kids.

This vicious cycle goes on and on, probably the reason why children feel neglected. Even though all the parents wanted was to provide a better childhood, happier memories, and a better education. Something they themselves didn't get, its sad to think about. With those thoughts Anthony came to mind.

I remembered how exhausted she looked when we first met in the hospital, and how young she looked to me. If I was being honest to myself, she has been a constant on my mind since the day we met. It wasn't just because she was beautiful, obviously, but something else, I just didn't know what.

I knew I felt drawn to her. She had me in her ban, and it was more than anything I've ever felt before.

Was it my instinct of wanting to take care of her, like friends did or was it more?

I couldn't describe it. As of now, we didn't really know each other very well. I tried to remedy that by visiting her under the pretense of Anthony forgetting his truck at the hospital, but I think we both knew better.

She was definitely upset about me visiting. Was it because she didn't like me, or because she was scared I would check up on Anthony's well being?

_"Are you going to take him away from me?"_ Her question still made me feel uneasy. Why would she think that?

She was an enigma to me. It was as simple as that, but so confusing and frustrating at the same time.

God, I never actually thought so much about a woman in my life.

My thoughts once again, returned to the dinner I just came from.

Bella was the main talk. She obviously had a great connection to my mom, and worked at the day care now. I thought it was perfect for my mother to suggest that idea because it was easy for everyone to see that Bella and Anthony hadn't had a typical mother son relationship.

Still, my mom was smitten with Bella, and Emmett, being the big kid that he was, couldn't stop talking about his new best buddy, tiny-Tony.

How he came up with this name, was out of my imagination. Emma also had a crush on him, and I remembered hearing something about rescuing Kermit, the frog she had since her birth, when it fell down the swing. Jack and Anthony became fast friends too, that much was obvious.

So all in all, within less than a week, the Swan's seemed to become a constant part in our family.

Not that I minded.

The only one, who seemed a little bit cautious of Bella, was Rose. Being the shrink and judging self that she was, she couldn't help herself other, than pegging Bella as a too young mother with childhood issues and no role models.

I could just roll my eyes at that statement because she seemed to be so much more than that.

Life wasn't always that easy, and people were different than the standard textbook case suggested, especially Bella.

My mind was made up, I wanted to get to know Bella-romantically.

However, the parting words from Rose made me anxious.

"_Don't push her Edward." _

"_What do you mean, Rose?"_

_She raised one of her eyebrows and answered, "Bella, Edward. She might not be ready to get all lovey-dovey with you. Just take it easy. I think there are some things, she still has to deal with, whatever they are."_

"How do you know?" I asked, feeling caught in my feelings for Bella.

"I have eyes," was her only answer.

"_What's it to you, anyway?"I inquire, because Rose never seemed interested in my love life before._

_She just shrugs, "I just don't want you to get burned," she said, before she leaves to get into the car with Emmett._

As the memory fades, I realize that I am parked in front of Bella's house. I take a deep breath and step out of my car; the kitchen lights are still on, but I can't make out anyone specific.

_It's now or never_I think.

Before I take notice, I'm in front of her door, still breathing rapidly, still holding on to the flower with clammy hands, and still unsure if this is the right thing to do.

_You can do it._

The doorbell rings, it only feels like a second later, and there she stands, in a simple, white shirt, her hair flows freely and untamed over her shoulders, her brown, wide eyes radiate happiness, and she has a slight blush on her cheeks.

_She's breathtakingly beautiful._

"Hi," she says, and it's only one word but it calms me immediately. I snap out of my Bella induced stupor, and hold the flowers out in front of me.

"These are for you," I say hastily, and watch her reaction. Confusion, then surprise, and wonder are mirrored on her face.

"For me?" she asks, and then takes the pink margaritas in her hand, inhaling the scent of the simple light pink wildflower. The way she looks, with her eyes closed, a small smile on her lips, and a look of contentment on her face, is mesmerizing.

"They're beautiful. Thank you."

"You're welcome. They are Margaritas, and the color remembered me of your lips," I say, before I could stop myself.

I'm afraid this is too much, too soon, but I couldn't help myself from saying it because it's true.

_You're all I can think of, Bella._

My compliment didn't cause her to retreat into her shell again, but quite the opposite.

She blushes, and looks shyly through her lashes at me, "Why are you here, Edward?"

I'm stunned, again, by her natural beauty. Her lashes look endless, and the way she looks up at my face makes my knees weak.

"I…, well I, just wanted to ask you, if you… um, want to go out some time?" I stumble over my own words, and feel like I'm asking for my very first date again. This is ridiculous.

"I thought about this new Italian place in Port Angeles. It's not that far away from the day care, and you could leave Anthony with my mom for another hour or two, I'm sure she wouldn't mind. So, would you like to go?"

"I would like that," she said. This time it's me, who has wonder written all over his face. I smile broadly at her.

"It's a date. Tomorrow? Can I pick you up?"

"Yes, sure," she responds, and we are standing in her door, smiling at each other like fools, but we don't care.

This is the happiest I've been in a long time. The anticipation buzzes through me, and I have to force my legs to move back to my car. On my way back I turn around, and Bella still stays in her door holding her flowers, and waving slightly back at me.

It's a picture I want to memorize, and never forget.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

~o0o~

Monday is hectic as ever at the hospital. The day drags on, and I get more and more nervous.

3:47 pm, still two more hours, until I can leave the hospital for Bella.

I feel exhausted because I couldn't catch the much needed sleep last night, my mind just wouldn't stop thinking about what to do with Bella for our date the next night. _No pressure_.

Still, I couldn't think of anything specific after we would go to dinner. I just had to shoot from the hip and see where it got me.

"Hi mom," I answered the phone after the second ring, "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to know, if you could help me tonight with some chores at the house that have to be done?"

"Well, actually, I can't, not tonight. Is it important?" I said, hoping she would just accept my answer, and don't ask further.

"What have you planned for tonight?" Of course she would dig deeper, she always does.

"I'm going out on a date, with Bella," I state calmly, not wanting to show her my nervousness.

"Ah, so that's why," she murmurs, but then says to me, "It's going to be alright, honey. Just relax, and be your handsome self, and at the end of the night, she won't know what hit her," she assures, and all of a sudden, my anxiety is gone.

She's right, I think, just calm down. You have done life saving surgeries, where you have been less nervous than you are right now.

"Thanks, mom. I needed that," I tell her, and catch myself running my hand through my hair for the thousandth time today.

With the mental pep talk, and help from my mom, I can finally concentrate on my job, and suddenly, its 5:30pm, and my shift is over.

I head home, shower and change into comfortable but nice looking clothes.

The drive to Bella's house is shorter than I remembered, and I once again park in front of her house.

One last time of running my hand through my hair, one last exhale and I'm at her door.

_Here goes nothing._

_

* * *

_

_What do you think he is going to do for the date night?_

_Let me know, and leave me a review to get a teaser for said Date night, it's going to be soooo sweet._

_xo JB_


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